Please Don't

So I'm taking this course that literally teaches me how to ask questions...or rather it teaches me to ask why - then when a  woman asks why it never ends there; there's always a bunch of questions just lying in wait.

So, as typical as it may sound, I found myself asking a bunch of questions; especially concerning the relationships I have - personal, professional and otherwise. So in the process, I came down to a fundamental question that most of us are afraid to ask ourselves...Why do we love the people we claim to love? why do we stick with these people and why do we maintain the relationships that we have with them?

But I got stuck at the definition of love.

What is Love?

I think love is honesty - to yourself and the other person. When you love someone you have to be honest with them; pretty or ugly, you have to be honest with them.

That means that when you decide to do something with them, or choose to say something to them it has to be something you really mean and not something you do just to hush any possible conflicts. Ideally, any good relationship must have conflicts, and without them, you really can't figure out if you can press the reset button and move on after a major argument.

But then, that also means that when you love someone, you have to be vulnerable to getting hurt. It's like giving someone your kryptonite and hoping that they never get to use it against you... sounds like blackmail, but it really isn't.

In actual sense, loving someone means that you have to be cool even when they are honest enough not to choose you. Even when they get selfish and pick themselves over you, even when they pick up kryptonite and throw it in your face...that's love.

Now don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean that it's all bad, it just means that even when you do all the sweet nice things, all the crazy wrong things and the things that are straight out outrageous, you have to do them because that's what you really what you want to do.

You have to choose to do those things for the people, not for fear that they may walk away if you don't, but because you have a conviction that that's exactly what you want to do.

So at the end of the day, Love is a choice that no one can make for you. And if you find yourself in a situation where you do stuff for the people you claim to love just because you are trying to be nice, or to avoid conflict, and yet it's not really what you want to do, then that's not love, that's selfishness - because I'm sure a lot of people will agree that they had rather be given the cold hard truth than be pampered by a lie!!

Dreams!!

The heart wants what it wants. But what if what the heart wants belongs to someone else? Well, I read somewhere that as long as they ain't married, everyone is fair game. You be the judge.

So I have this friend - a guy duh!!! *rolls eyes like a total 90's kid* -that I've liked since I was 21. I don't know what went through his mind first time we met but if the movie inside out is anything to go by there must have been something like this:

Fear: girl! Girl! Girl! Girl!

Joy: we could totally hit that and get lots and lots of joy * wink *wink

Disgust: Joy….no you didn't!

Anger: I think I'm gonna sit this one out!!

And then at the end of the conversation all emotions were in agreement - That girl can totally gerrit!

Ok I'm sure that's not how it went but it's definitely how it went down in my head….ok I left out the part where I was naming our babies Adrian, Allan, Araina and Siobhan - FYI the boys were tall and masculine with bald heads like their dad and loved their mom like crazy and the girls always took daddy's side and we were already having family vacations and….oh lord!! The dreams!!

Well as fate would have it all we were 'just friends' for the longest time. A blind man could see the sexual tension between us but to be honest nothing happened…apart from a brief mako it session when we were kinda high on something….maybe weed …I don't know.

Well finally a day comes and the time is right and the sky is blue and the weather is just perfect and there's n traffic on Mombasa road and the water pressure is enough to turn on the instant shower and the building caretaker isn't asking you about some underwear that fell off your hanging lines and the boss decides you I can all leave work 30 minutes early and this sentence is getting pretty long.  All I'm trying to say is that everything seems to be perfect, except for the fact that I didn't do the dishes in the morning - the phone rings - he's coming over.

The heart finally gets what it wants  - perfection would be the understatement of the century!!! It's euphoric and exactly how you wanted your first time to be -  is it just me or a first times usually a disappointment! You imagine this magical thing then it just shows up like a beggar dressed in something Kanye's clothing line!! I digress….It was perfect!!

Then he leaves - and I couldn't thinks straight for days !!!

And now you start thinking about how you would be the kind of woman his family adores because in your head he's perfect… He could ask you to stay at home and take care of his kids and you would take that as a complement. You could go to cooking school for him just to learn how to salt his food right. You think to yourself I could so be a proverbs 31 woman to this guy without even trying….I would so let him be the head without even thinking about it because he so deserves its…the dreams!!!

Then the demon called social media creeps in… And you discover the horrifying truth - when he put up his relationship status as engaged….he actually meant it!!!

You get a million mini heart attacks and you want to cause a tantrum then remember…he's just a friend you got dirty with…you have no right to even eat comfort food about it - I still ate a lot of pizza and ice cream though!!!

Then comes the crazy thought from the train of thought - mwanamume  ni wako akiwa kwako.

So anyone up for eating comfort in the name of nursing major  mini heartbreaks holla at  your girl…every time is pizza time!!!

PS: I only just realized how dramatic the title was so I changed it to make it a little less dramatic!!

Those Days

There are days when you wake up and it feels like the world is under your feet - nothing can stop you; not even a hurricane. Then there are days when you feel like you are the hurricane and you can destroy anything that comes along your path.

There are days when you love everything and everyone, when everything is rosy - every baby is cute and you only seem to meet hot guys. Then there are days when even the sun doesn't seem to shine bright enough and the night is not dark enough and everything just sucks.

There are days when you meet that guy in the office and he seems like everything you ever wanted in a guy even though he is so married with kids and another baby on the way. You look at him and all you can think about are all the scandalous things you would do with him if a miracle power blackout just happens to occur. On such days even a brush of his clothing on your skin could get you pregnant with twins. Conversations with him seem so enlightening and you don't even notice his seriously messed up accent - or how fluoride from Nakuru tap water discolored his teeth.

Then comes the days when you look at him and wonder what you ever saw in the guy to begin with!! His teeth suddenly repulse you and his breath makes you want to throw up.  His teeth are suddenly too brown and he walks like a zebra… or maybe a fat chicken…I can't decide which. On that day his accent is such a turn off and everything he says is sounds completely shallow. A look at him starts giving you ideas of what kind of makeover would be cheapest to award him because even the simplest would cost a fortune.  On such days, murder is not too far from your thoughts.. Or maybe it's manslaughter… Because it's not premeditated, it's just a moment of emotion where you feel you need to rid the world of such unsightly wardrobe choices.

There are good days and bad days ….happy days and sad days…days full of love and days when all you feel is rage…

But my most favorite are the days when you don't feel so hot but it seems every guy in the congregation seems to think you are the hottest thing after the invention of coffee. You have almost 10 random people asking for your number -regardless of who they are - FYI some of them could be security guards or the local butcher. Who cares? They are people and they make you feel valid once in a while.

I digress…we were talking about the married guy you want to have scandalous office  affair with. He is not hot because he is not the sun; he is not spicy because no one has ever really tasted his flesh. You need to stop…ok maybe not immediately . Enjoy a kiss or two on behalf of all the ladies he ignored in the office..then dump his ass and tell everyone how lousy and 'small' he is.

I digress further….it is just one of those days. Those days when all you want to do is be random…and all you produce is randomness.

Hindsight

So you go to bed and everything is fine. You have just talked to your mum and dad and siblings and they all seem to be doing well. Your significant other is causing their usual tantrums but you have kinda learned to figure out that when they do they are just trying to get your attention and its their weird way of telling you they love you. So basically, its a random Tuesday night and you go to bed happy. 

But then in the middle of the night you wake up. You have a bad feeling but you shake it off thinking its maybe another nightmare that you can't remember. So you go back to sleep then when you wake up you find a text from your girlfriend. She has been feeling insecure lately. You know why but you don't really bother to put her mind to rest because you know that she is always in your corner regardless of what you do. You decide to give her hell about it...you love her but you think she needs to quiet down a bit. So you act angry, say a few things that are definitely going to get her quiet down and hurt her in the process. But you say them anyway - you can apologize for them later. 

She goes quiet and you have won the argument for the day. She's always bringing that issue up, cant she understand that I am a man and i need to entertain myself sometimes even if I'm just overly flirting with another woman. I mean how else would they know how much of a stud i am.  She should understand you because you really are a stud - how else would she stay after all the hell you have put her through. You definitely are a stud!

She went to bed last night in tears. She isn't sure about him in their relationship anymore. She has clearly done all she could to let him know that she is ride or die but lately he seems to be more interested in other women who seem younger more beautiful, less baggage, more potential. It scares her to think that all the time she was working on their relationship all he was looking for was his next prey and he seems to hve found it. She's trying hard to keep her cool but its all not working. She feels like she needs to let go but she also fears that she hasnt done enough.

'a few years ago i would have walked away. What the hell is wrong with me?' she thinks to herself. She cant really talk to her close friends coz all her close friends are his friends and she doesn't want to make him look bad to their friends. Problem is she shared all her friends with him and he never shared any of his. Now she feels like she has no one in her corner and the thought of that just makes her cry like a baby. Anytime she thinks about how he hung up on her the other night or promised to call but didn't or simply ignored her texts she can't help but shed tears. 

She knows he knows that she wont go anywhere. Maybe that's why he does all these things to her. Or maybe he just doesn't care whether she stays or leaves. Its eating her up she has sleepless nights and her appetite is down to bare survival. She is losing weight and she feels helpless so she cries all day and all night when she is alone because at the end of the day all she can do is reminisce on the good days and cry.

Why the hell cant she get it. I love her but we are not married yet. I will propose someday but i just got a new job and i have all this attention from all these ladies. can't she just get that at the end of the day she is the one that i call my girlfriend. Isn't that good enough for her. Maybe i should just switch off my phone for a few days. No, if i do that I cant contact all my cool new friends. I'll probably just blacklist her or better yet have a secret number. I will still have her when i come back to use my normal number anyway. She's becoming  a bit too much for me anyway.

Its been six years. You now realize that all your cool friends liked you coz you could spend as fast as a race car. You have a lot of responsibilities now and its really hard to find a girl that's in your corner that you can marry because you feel like it is time to settle down. You think about maybe dating a girl still in campus but how will you know if she's not with you simply because you have a job and can cater for her needs. 

Then you think about her. You wonder how different life would have been if only you had seen the diamond in her and not the mud that covered her. If only you had chosen her then and not taken her for granted. Maybe it would be different. Maybe she would use her crazy problem solving methods and helped you manage all these overwhelming responsibilities. But she is doing well for herself now. you heard that she had a set of twins.She was never materialistic and she didn't get married to a rich guy but you heard that their business was doing well and they had opened a second branch in the neighbouring town.She was always good with money so you are not surprised that her business is doing well. She always had dreams of doing that. 

It's all bittersweet for you but you - you are happy that she found happiness but you are bitter that you didn't take your chance when you had it. Then you remember that night what if this was the nightmare? But hindsight is 20/20 and you need to start sorting out your bills, pay child support, pay your car insurance, sort out your parents and still support your little sister's extravagant lifestyle.